When the Game Changes: Evanka Osmak on Grief and Finding Hockey at 41

I you know her as one of the most trusted voices in Canadian sports broadcasting. She's a veteran anchor at Sportsnet, but behind that career is a very personal story about what happens when life shifts in a way that you really can't prepare for her first time on this podcast, women in media, it was a shift about motherhood, but now in her new book, when the game changes, Evanka osmak opens up about losing her mom and navigating grief while still showing up professionally and personally for everyone in her life, and it's already a best seller. So congrats and welcome back to the women in media podcast. How's it going? Thanks so much, Sarah. I'm doing really well. And yeah, two time guest on your on your pod, I feel I'm gonna say, when you said I was talking about motherhood last time, and then to be speaking about my mom this time is, I don't know that's really interesting. Was writing a book about this kind of thing harder than anything you've ever done on camera?

Oh, for sure, absolutely, this was okay. Well, it's a bit of a two fold answer. Actually, I can say yes, absolutely, because I worked with the incredible Christina Rutherford on this project. She without her, this book would not have come to print at all or come to life.

And so the process was we would just have chats in person, over the phone, virtually. I would tell her stories, she would ask questions, very detailed questions, and and we would go from there. And so reliving my childhood, oh, that was super fun, because it was enjoyable be a kid again, totally and. And, you know, I'm really lucky. I know that I was fortunate. I had an I have an awesome family and a wonderful childhood. I had so many experiences and opportunities and and then when we got to the the part of the book where we talking about my mom and her deterioration with ALS, yeah, that was horrible. It was awful. It was it was therapy.

So I'm going through it. And so you don't really realize that, yes, I'm writing a book, and I knew that in the back of my head, but you don't really think about, oh, it's actually going to be public one day, or it's actually going other people are going to read this. And so while that was difficult, this, now that it's at the bookstore and and on print, and people can read my life story. I'm like, oh god, oh yeah. I'm just gonna hold it up here,

yeah, at Indigo. And like, you know, I know that I was going to be sent a copy of your book anyway, but I think it's really important to support people, especially venturing out on something like this for the first time, becoming a writer, little Canadian stamp at Indigo, right? It must be pretty surreal, like you had that experience walking into the bookstore and seeing it on the show. How did? Well, I I've only actually been I went with my eldest son, who's nine, and we went. We went a couple weeks ago, not knowing if it was out yet, because it was actually before the launch date, which was April 7, and we found it. And he was like, it's actually here. It's actually and I'm kind of like, okay, okay, nine year old. Like, you know, give me some credit here, but, but it was, it was on the same table from Britney Spears, and I thought I saw that yes, Brittany was right below. Yes. I was like me and Brent were just hanging out together on this Indigo table, which is pretty awesome. But then to see, oh my gosh, to see when I opened up the Globe and Mail and the Toronto Star this past weekend, and that it was on the bestseller list, like Sarah, that's I was in disbelief. It was, it was, again, getting back to this. It was so uncomfortable being vulnerable and like totally opening up my life story. And why does anyone need to know this, and why does anyone care about this? Is it going to resonate with people? And really having to pump myself up to read it a read it back, and then be okay with putting it out there, and now it made that list, and maybe it will never be on that list again, but it was on it. And so I can say that, and that could be like, on my bio for the rest of my life, which I'm, yeah, I'm shrieking, I'm blushing, I'm like, I'm really proud as you should be, as you should be.

Now I want to, like, take you back to what I'm going to call the lump in the throat moment, and it can be any, I think, illness, when we're talking about people that we love going through anything like this, right? And unfortunately, you know, I have been by a friend's side who lost her husband to ALS. And so I know way too much about this terrible, terrible disease, awful, but you know, for me, this like lump in the back of the throat moment, just two years ago, this week, my dad

was diagnosed with cancer, and we're all good, you know, he actually just celebrated two years cancer free. So everything's amazing, but that moment when you you get the.

News. It's like that's the moment when it becomes life before this moment and life after this moment. So tell me about that moment for you with your mom. Yeah, I'm sorry to hear that, but yes, you got to think positively, right with your course and your family. You have to. You have to.

It was a year 2021,

a full year of my mom not being herself. And you know, obviously my mom, Jeannie, was an incredible person to me. She She was my everything. She was the glue in our family. And so when she was off, all of us were shifted. Things didn't seem okay. And so it was also covid times, you know? Yeah, sure, covid was 2020, but here in Toronto, like Ontario, it was still very prevalent. And around there were still restrictions, right? So, so we had so many questions like, what's wrong with my mom? And the problem again, during that time, we couldn't find answers, and it wasn't as easy as just going to the doctor, or we did do MRI and CT scan and all these things, and they came out fine, nothing peculiar, at least in them or a diagnosis. But we all knew my dad, my sister, brother and I,

she's not right, she's not Genie, and

it was an outsider, an outside voice who we all knew and trusted, who said something to me on the side. He said, I don't think Jeannie is Okay, have you? You know, what do you think? And when someone on the outside of your family notices that you're like, yeah, 100%

so, so it was that full year, and we didn't get a diagnosis, which was so frustrating. We didn't get any answers, and we're like, What is wrong with her? And she couldn't even articulate that something was wrong because she her vocabulary had become so basic, her expressions had become simple, her words, like her vocabulary, went from, you know, she was, she was such a strong,

always articulate, and speaking well, and meeting and talking to new people, and was able to, you

know, exactly, say which was on her mind, and spoke freely. And then, and then it was becoming, it's good, I'm good. And so, so basic that it was frustrating for all of us. And then we finally got the diagnosis in September of 21 and that was, as you said, lump in your throat, that was the punch to the gut, just like,

oh, oh. Like, what even is ALS? Because I didn't really know a lot about it. I had done, you know, the the Ice Bucket Challenge years prior. And, of course, oh, yeah, right. Do you remember that? And to raise awareness and support and fun, ironic with the baseball connection, just saying to, like, yeah, kind of interesting, right? So it was, it was just this, this, you know, you try, of course, you go to, you know, the internet first and, like, what does this mean? What can we do? Can she get better?

How long does she have all of these things? And it became very clear that there was, there was no reversing, like, there's no there's no cure, and there's no coming back from it. There's, there's, it's only bad days from here on out, really? Yeah, now that I'm thinking about it, when I had you on my podcast, you were probably just going through this, and you wouldn't have been ready to talk about it then, probably, but, but, yeah, it was a long time ago. On top of that, you're in a public facing role, right? Like you're, yes, you're putting on makeup and getting ready to go on television, but like you're also reminding yourself, like, Okay, now my personal life, I have to put over here right now, while i deal with this, I can't even imagine, like, how was that? I think it was, actually, was probably easier, because I was able to compartmentalize, and I needed an escape, right? And then when you put on that, just saying, there's like, a mask of makeup, and you put on clothes that you don't normally wear, and you you become someone else, in a way, with all of that, because that's not what I look like during the day at all. And so it became an escape going to work, where talking about sports was like, was just a break, a break from reality, which I needed, or else I would have come on unglued, undone, like you know, way before, and then hockey. So for anyone who is not familiar with the book yet, this is also like a love letter to you discovering hockey in your 40s. Talk about that.

So when the game changes, yes, there's a book where it was happening, where my mom was diagnosed with ALS and I started playing hockey at the age of 41 and it was driven by my husband had always played. My eldest son was starting to play, and they loved it. And I thought I have been talking about hockey and doing highlights of hockey and inner.

Union hockey players and watching so much hours and hours a day, and I don't play. And I played field hockey growing up, but not the same thing. And so I thought, why don't I start playing like they're having so much fun? And I missed team sports. I love sports for sure, and playing and being active, but I hadn't done a team sport because I found, as I got older, like a lot of my girlfriends, did, you have to fit in a workout when you can. So that's like trying to organize a team sport or putting in, you know, a schedule on that's not your kid related. It was really difficult. And so I found this league sister skate that operated Wednesday during the day, and it was near me, a rink near my house, and I thought,

let's do it. And so the best thing you can do is put money down, and so then you're really committed, like financially. And so I did that, and it was two nights before where I thought I got the reminder, I have no gear, like I had nothing. And so I raced out to the hockey store, and I walked in, and they were so kind there and helping me out. But they must have been like, Oh, she has not, like, we need to get her everything, including the bag. Oh, yeah, also, just talk about, like, trying a new thing when you're 41 yes, outside of sports, exactly. I mean it for me, it was, it was hockey, but it was just doing something that was all my own. And it was, did it require a lot of, you know, brain power? No, but it was, it was new. I fell on my butt. I still fall on my butt every single time.

Oh, I'm still playing, yes, love it because, because it's, it's just fun. And we all need more fun in our lives, like we teach our kids to try new things, because you never know it will stick, or just to get yourself out there, to meet new people, to expand your brain, Expand your horizon, and so you really, like your life becomes or mine, I don't want to speak for everyone, but it becomes so filtered as you get older, like your priorities change, and usually it's family oriented at A work or it's like a hamster wheel. You're doing the same thing over and over. And I was just, I didn't want to continue like that. And so I thought, Let's do something fun. And it was just, yeah, it was a good challenge. And I ended up, I think, surprising myself of how much I enjoyed it, and being around other women and being on a team sport, and you know, it's we're not collecting points like this does not go towards a trophy at the end of the year. This is just every week. It switches up, and it's shinny, but you're working together with your teammates to to score a goal, to win, to pass to and you encourage each other and like, isn't that more of what we need working together, as opposed to having a selfish life. Well, it's so funny to hear you talk about this. I'm just realizing how much I actually have in common with this. I joined a baseball team when I was 25 and I didn't play a single fucking sport growing up, nothing. So I was like a dancer growing up. And, you know, I just never thought I could, I didn't have that in my brain, and so it was like a friend of someone at the radio station was like, come play with us, beer league baseball. It'll be fine, right? I still play baseball now. I'm, you know, I just turned 39 and it's like one of the best things I've done in my adult life, a the team again, like the team environment, meeting new people, having, like, an outlet, like, if you're pissed at someone and you want to smack a ball hard, like, there's so many great things that have come out of being on this baseball team. I'm on a different team now than I would have been then. But, you know, I learned a lot about myself and, like, the subtitle of this book, losing my mom and finding myself. And that's what happens when you're faced with these life things like, and I'm gonna say, like, you got caught in the sandwich generation, right? Like you're raising your kids, and then you're taking care of mom, right? Like, what do you do for yourself to keep yourself, you know, showing up every day for all of that? Yeah, and just I, we need to, we need to find that outlet of something. And it could be, it could be sport, it could be baseball or hockey, curling, or it could be art, or, you know, book club, anything, anything. But what are you doing for yourself that gives you pride, gives you a sense of,

I don't know, just feeling good about what you're doing. I'm sure when you hit your first home run, or you made an awesome catch, Oh, I love you think that I've had a home run. Okay,

great, single, you know, or okay, but you're proud of yourself. And, oh yeah, we again. I use like my kids example. We tell them we're proud of them so often, and we are and what they do in school or sports, but we need to remind ourselves like we can do things that we're proud of too, and so so hockey was that, and when I scored my first goal, oh my gosh, Sarah, like you, I called everybody, and then I went on air that night, and I was I had the puck, and I was showing it, because I was like.

This is something I did. I learned how to do this, and I just I did that, and that was that was cool, and I felt like a kid again and again, who doesn't want to have that joy of being a kid again? You

Yeah, and I'm sure you had to find pride in moments that were not as exciting over the last few years too, right? Getting out of bed is a big win, because I think, like, there's something about embracing like anger and rage and not being able to control what's going on. Sometimes, if there's a moment that you would share when you know that what was going on was getting the best of you and how you turned it around,

oh, I mean, some days it was, it was hard to see the light. Gosh, I couldn't have done it, though, without my family. I have an incredible dad and older sister and brother, and I think because I had that village, we were able to talk with each other about things and help each other. And you know that caretaking role was to spread, although my dad, of course, did the brunt of it, because he lived with my mom, because I would come home with the kids, and you have to show up, and I would allow myself to be sad, and most of my crying would happen in the car, when I was driving home from work at two in the morning. And I would just the radio music, and I would just the, honest to goodness, the tears, and this is when she was still alive, yeah. And they would just like, be streaming down my face, and that was kind of my time to to release. I felt like I showed my emotion. I felt my emotion. It's not like I bottled it up, but it was like the days and days after my mom passed were just this again, this this pain that I have never felt before. It was like, so raw and so deep and cutting, and it was just, it was terrible. We had lost her before we knew we lost her. We really did. And so it wasn't we had a moment I talked about in the book

that I had, I took her shopping and just her, and I normally it would have been, like a really fun outing. And we, we used to love shopping together. And I put on a brave face that you had to around my mom, you had to show up every time. Because what was the alternative? Yeah. But it was, it was, you know, she was, she was not there,

yeah. So, like, another thing that I think this book brings up beautifully is community. And you know, you talked about that with the hockey community that you gained from this. But what about like the community you gain from other people going through shit like this, with their families, different diseases, different difficulties? Yeah, oh, 100% I mean, grief changes everyone, right? It changes your priorities. Has certainly changed mine, and I was fortunate. I guess I can say it that way. I don't know if that's the right way, but I had two girlfriends who had lost one of their parents. Both of them actually lost their dads, one within a couple of months before my mom, and one the year prior, and so being able to talk to them and them knowing, like we got you, and also you're gonna get through this. It might not feel like it. This is really hard. This is really hurts and stings, and you are crying all the time, and you can't stop thinking about it. And you, you know, but you're, you're going to get through it, and it's okay to break down, it's okay to be emotional and sad and

but we're here for you and, and also, there was that moment, you know, I don't share, sometimes share stuff on social media, like, depends on the on the day or the month, you know, if I want to share or not, and I did share the news about my mom, I can't believe how wonderful. You know, we always talk about how toxic and how awful social media is. But I gained a community, and so many people reached out to me who had also lost their mom or their parent, or someone, someone incredibly special and close to them in their life, and people who I knew close, or who I knew from afar, or complete strangers reaching out like it was unbelievable. And when you feel that, like that hug and that you know, just that support, it makes a difference like it really does in so so I have carried that forward with me, for sure. And so, yeah, that was that was extremely helpful. Again, just knowing like, okay, they've gotten through it, I can get through it. And you know, grief is different for everyone. We all grieve differently, for sure, 100% but yeah, when you just see like, Okay, I'm not doing this totally alone in the first time.

Yeah, are you familiar with Kate bowlers? Work at all? I'm not. Okay. I'm gonna send you a link to look her up, because I think you'll love some of her books too. I don't know if you need to

read, but yeah, like she talks about, like, toxic positivity and so from Kate bowler, I'm borrowing this idea to ask this question of, like, what's something that you wish people would stop saying to someone grieving,

oh, like, what is not helpful? Yeah.

When people say, How are you or how you do? How are you doing? How do you think I am? Yeah, how do you think I'm doing? But, but I don't fault them for that, because, I mean, I do it too. I think it's the make sure that you really want to know the truth and hear the answer. So it's almost like it's not what they it's not that that shouldn't be asked. It's that just make sure and be prepared for a real answer or not fine answer. Okay, yeah, that's what. I was very fair. What was the hardest thing to share in this book? You know, the whole the whole time I was singing it. There even is a chapter called imposter syndrome, because I was like, What am I doing writing a book like, what i Who's gonna read this? Or why do I need to do this? And and so, you know, there were times when I was going through my my history there where I was like, should I say that? Do people really care about that, or does that need to be in the book?

And then, of course, the just going through the timeline of dealing with my mom and how week by week, it was this downward spiral. And every week it would get worse and worse. You know, seeing her and bringing the kids to her, you know, the feeding tube, and then sometimes having the breathing machine, and then the full 24/7 breathing machine, and then, and then, and then. So your kids actions, yeah, yeah. I mean, my youngest was one, so he didn't understand and but the older one, how do you talk to him about stuff like this. Truthfully, I think that's the best way to do it, is that you just have to be honest and and tell him exactly you know what's going on, because he's he sees it. He's always been a, you know, a kid that picks up on things, and he's observant, as most kids are. And then, and then, my job now is to, I shouldn't say job. I want to talk about my mom. And so you struggle with, like, okay, when can I bring her up? Or what stories? Or, you know, because I want to keep inserting her. And I've realized, since this book is out, Oh, it's right here. So they, you know, maybe not at this age, but they will now, forever, be able to open up the book and see what they said they called her NAMA, and be able to read about nama. You know how she was when I was growing up in their age, or how she was in her dying days, and how difficult it was for all of us. And so I just thought, This is it like? This is this is my way of continuing to say her name and keep her memory very much alive. And with us is this book like for my kids too? Totally.

Did this experience change your relationship with your career?

Oh,

I think,

I think in general, grief changed a lot of how I approach things. Right? Like, yeah, you know, you you realize everyone says perspective and and it's, it's true. Like, yeah, they all say it. We all say it for a reason. And so going through all of this, you're like, Okay, what's what I need to say no more to things, because family is important or or, you know, you just realize what your boundaries should be, or who you want to spend time with. I mean, one thing I also came out of, and it sounds like I think you're probably the same as me, is, is, in addition to having those, those friends that have gone through it before, but I've just leaned into my my girlfriends, because going on trips and going out for with them and spending time with with my friends means that much more, because my cup gets filled every time I'm with my girlfriends. They're, you know, family is great. They're also like, a huge part of my happiness. So normally, at the at the end of the show, and you might remember this, I asked you to, like, nominate, you know, another woman who would come on the podcast and share her story, and you can still do that. I mean, I saw Jennifer hedger wrote a little quote on the on the front of the book, but I thought we'd give the floor to your mom. I want to know what you learned from your mom, and let's say she was on a podcast and still with us, what her greatest accomplishments and challenges that she, you know, had to face through her life? Oh, gosh, okay. Sarah Jeannie,

I, I assume she was most proud of,

you know, growing up in a small town and manage.

Toba Gilbert plains, and being able to

make it on her terms and her way, and and raising all of us and keeping all of us together, and and that we were a close knit family. And I think you see that from the book, and I've had people even say that they're like, Wow, you had a really great childhood and family, like you guys were really close. And I think she, she'd be most proud of that. And it was, it was because of her, yeah, it was because of her, for sure. So she was just, she was, like, a really incredible person. And the best thing,

I would say is that she, I love when people tell me stories about her and I learned more about her that I didn't know, you know, or reminded of stories and things she said and did that that I may not have known about. And that's like, that's the biggest thing ever, yeah, what's the biggest lesson learned from Jeannie? Biggest lesson, don't forget about myself. You know, don't lose myself in the family, in the race and all that stuff, and still be true to myself. Which, which? Yeah, I think I'm, I'm, I'm doing okay with that. Yes, you are. I should also tell you that I've selected this book this month for Jane Arden's book bag, which is her podcast Book Club. We're reading your book together. That is awesome. I'm I'm so honored. We're working on getting you on Jan's podcast. Maybe you'll come to our monthly zoom, where our listeners come and chat about the book. I would love to absolutely count me in, tell me when, and I will show up. So the book is called when the game changes, losing my mom and finding myself. Evanka osmak, it's been so nice talking to you again, and congrats on the book. Thank you so much. You.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai